Hello to Excuses Excuses

I binged. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm gross. I'm SHIT. It's strange how I seem to do way better when I take a break from blogging, than from when I blog everyday. But i HAVE to blog or I drown in all my thoughts.

I had to work at my art studio today so that kept me busy for quite awhile, but I started feeling sick. Headache, nausea, dizziness, i don't know... a massive mixture of torture. Probably because I haven't been eating a full meal, just a bunch of snacks and nibbles of food here and there. Honestly though, the pain felt kind of beautiful. Yeah I felt like shit, but I enjoyed it. I haven't felt sick from lack of food in so long. But, I only used this as an excuse to eat the dinner my dad brought over.

I did well restricting myself until dinner time. Like I have posted before, my parents have suspicion of my disorder and they're always taking me out or bringing me food. Today, my dad surprised me with a FAT burrito. Literally, it was the size of my damn head. How sweet is that... really. I didn't finish it but it was the most painful thing I've had to eat the past couple days. Every bite made me feel sick. I felt like I was injecting myself with lard and fat and calories. Talk about disgusting. But it's also very gross how I kept making myself feel better by telling myself that I had to eat in order to survive; that I could've passed out at my art studio; that I need at least a decent meal in me for today; that I can always start again tomorrow. No, I was just being stupid and short-minded. Excuses Excuses. It sucks how I can't ever hide from my dad. When he brings over food, he sits right in front of me and just stares until I finish, or if he's feeling generous, until he feels as if I've eaten a decent amount. I can't chew and spit, or cut up and hide food, or move it around, or feed it to my dog, or anything. I should find something to do at night, so that way my dad can't come to my house with a gazillion calories ready to kill me.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve! I don't know if I should be excited or terrified. I'm excited to watch fireworks with my boyfriend, but absolutely horrified about spending the whole damn day with him cause he eats ALOT and he eats OFTEN. Not an aspect Ana would accept. Yes, he once again force-fed me today. I took just two bites of his burger. Why the hell is he so in love with greasy fast food? That stuff looks repulsive to me. Anyways, I'm going to try hard to fast tomorrow. Or maybe I'll have something really small for breakfast or lunch. I don't know. I haven't weighed myself today. To be honest, I'm a bit scared of the numbers. I'll go on that scale tomorrow morning. Hope I don't die of shock haha.

Love,Ana

Hello to Kids & Food

Fuck. That's one good word to describe how today went. Last night, my dad brought me sushi rolls and he didn't leave until I finished every bit of it. Felt like shit the whole night and resisted purging. Surprisingly, I weighed myself in the morning and I was the same weight as yesterday. I thought I was going to have a successful day, but NO. Boyfriend kept forcing me to share his burger with him. I got away with three bites. But that's still gross. I've been craving sweets lately, maybe my time of the month is about to hit. I munched on candy all day with a diet soda. That didn't do my tummy any good, but I wasn't feeling too guilty. BUT, this is where it all falls apart. I volunteered to help out at a program where they babysit little kids. (I know, I'm very kind-hearted. HAHA, just kidding.) Anyways, they kept offering me dinner but I told them I already ate. They wouldn't listen and heaped up a whole plateful of alfredo pasta with bacon bits for me. It smelled disgusting. It looked disgusting. It is disgusting. But I ate it. And I ate it all. Why? I wish I knew. That's not all, they also offered me popcorn, chocolate, chips, blah blah. Yes, I ate all that too. I'm feeling super shitty and I've been chain smoking for quite awhile now. I'm a bit stressed and me losing control isn't helping at all. I need to get back up and start again tomorrow. I must admit that I'm excited for a new beginning after tonight, but I can't get over how fat I look right now. I'm bloated all over. I hate binging but why do i do it? Damn, I've been ranting this whole time. I'm sorry to burden you with all this, but my blog is the only place I can let it all out. I promise I'll have more positive posts, but for now, this is how I feel.

Love, Ana

Hello to Lazy Day

Today was a super lazy day for me. I felt low on energy, too tired for life, and depressed as fuck. So i bummed around my boyfriend's house all day. I guess today wasn't a total failure, but I could've done better.

Breakfast- half a tangerine, some sour gummy candies, tea
Lunch- nonfat latte, one bite of boyfriend's chili dog
Dinner- peanuts, 1 tangerine, (my dad's bringing over some sushi rolls in a few minutes, which I doubt i can resist)
*Weighed myself just now. Scale read: 101.5 lbs

I'm hoping my dad doesn't bring too much food here cause I know for sure if he does, he's not going to leave until I finish it. It just sucks when I'm so close to reaching my goal, and someone starts catching on about what's going on. My parents are very suspicious, and they're catching on pretty quickly. I've been noticing how much they've been asking me to go out to dinner with them.. not normal for us haha. Also, my pesty boyfriend. Today when I was changing into my pajama pants, he just stares at me and says, "You look like a twig." I wanted to believe him, but I was looking at myself in his mirror and I couldn't help but cringe. What the hell is wrong with his eyes? I swear, it's all the drugs that are getting to him. He forced me to go eat lunch with him and he wanted to get chili dogs so I drive him there. He decides it's okay to order two without even asking me if i was hungry or not. Obviously I wasn't because I was drinking my latte, but that didn't seem to cross his mind. So he gets his food and literally just force feeds me. I only took a bite but it still made me feel gross. I won't lie, it was really good. I used to go to this place all the time to eat when I wasn't insecure about my weight. But, now that's all changed. I'm sorry for sounding so negative, but I'm in a really bad mood. I have too much in my mind right now. Wish I had some wine left, but parents took it. Nevermind, I just need a cigarette. Byebye blog

Love,Ana

Hello to Mission Almost Accomplished?

I know I said I would come back after reaching my goal of 100 lbs but I couldn't do it. Last week, I've been fluctuating from 103.5 to 100.5 So I guess I kinda made it ? Ha, no i didn't. I'm giving myself too much credit. This morning I weighed in at 100.5 I weighed myself again later today and I was 102.5 That's not good. I feel like shit and I regret eating. I couldn't avoid it though. My moms catching on about my condition, and so are my friends, and to make it worse... my boyfriend. He's always eating something so hearty and meaty and fat, which he tries to force me to try it with him. That's just disgusting. But what's even more repulsive is the fact that i give in sometimes. My mood is ambiguous right now. I'm happy I haven't gained a gang of weight, but I'm disappointed in myself for having let go when I was so close to reaching my goal. I ran into my friend today and she told me I've been getting "freakishly skinny" these days but she's hugely mistaken. It's just due to the baggy outfit I was wearing today. And today, after taking a nice nap with my boyfriend, he started tracing my bones and asked me if I'm eating these days. No duh I am. Look at my elephant thighs. I hate the holidays. Family dinners, dinners with friends, dinners with boyfriend, dinners with boyfriend's family...it's never-ending and I'm getting sick of it. I'm about to leave my house for a family dinner and I can NOT avoid it... I'm scared.

Love,Ana

Hello to Surprise

I couldn't write an entry yesterday because I literally died. I've never been as sick as i was for the last couple days. It was miserable. I had loads of work, got barely 2 hours of sleep everyday so far, and i was getting sicker by the moment. Life was just great. HA, not. While I was sick, I fell into a mild state of depression. I cried everyday for no reason. What the hells wrong with me. I'm getting better but I still feel depression symptoms from time to time. My mom fed my literally almost every hour to make me better. Eat, sleep, medicine, eat, sleep, medicine. Definition of a lazy fatass. It's weird though... I managed to drop some pounds. Weird, eh? I just weighed myself and it said 103.5 I don't believe it but I'll take it. I just ate so I'm expecting the numbers to go up slightly. Popped a lax so I hope that'll help. Today was not so bad. I'm not dying anymore! The only thing that kept me alive this whole week was the thought of Friday. I'll tell you guys why later but I'm totally stoked. I know I promised to post up measurements and weights in my last entry, but I'll do that when I'm not so busy. I also should post up some thinspo. I'm sorry im so lazy and fat. I might not be writing in here for awhile. At least not until I reach my current goal weight of 100 lbs. I hope I can do that by Sunday, but I dont know. After I reach 100, I'm setting my next goal as 97 and then probably will be doing my ABC ... FINALLY. I still have a shitload of work to do so I can't write more... need a cigarette to relieve myself. Anyways, I'll see you when I'm finally 100 lbs!

Love,Ana

Hello to Sickness and Success

More followers? :) I seriously appreciate it, i'm not even kidding. love you all<3
And i have happy news for once, HA. I ate about approximately 500 calories today, maybe a little more or less but I'm quite happy with it, even though i initially planned on eating under 420 calories. It's at least a great improvement from last night. I'm sick as a dog. I can't breathe through my nose. My head hurts. My stomach is killing me. And I have to stay up all night to finish my work. Life is great. I would weigh myself right now but I'm too lazy. I hate my boyfriend for making me eat the soup... If it wasn't for that, my stomach wouldn't be angry with me right now. I'm bloated. But I'm thinking thin so it's alright.

Today's intake:
-rice with soup ( 300? )
-2 diet cokes ( 0 )
-soup (120 )
-coffee ( 5 )
-6 pieces of hot cheeto fries ( ? )
-6 pieces of chocolate covered cranberries ( ? )

i need to stay away from eating such a big breakfast. my mom is impossible to win over. she'll do whatever it takes to feed me. I'll come up with something... Well, I gotta get back to work. Stay strong everyone<3

Love,Ana

Hello to Sunshine!

Goooodmorning blog :) The past few days have been raining nonstop but today the sun is out! I don't know why, but I am in a really good mood today; probably because i lost some weight. I've been depressed everyday last week, didn't talk much to anyone, bitched at my boyfriend, avoided my parents. But I feel like today will go great. Something's wrong with me, honestly. My mood changes like every fckin minute. Ehh,, whatever.

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up feeling super sick. Mad headache, sore throat, body aches but for some reason all that pain felt good to me cause I knew I would have no appetite then. I go downstairs to make myself some coffee but my mom comes in with fried rice, dumplings, and other chinese food. Oh great.. the smell makes me feel nauseous so I walk upstairs but my mom stops me and demands that I eat with her. Who the hell is she to force me to eat something that smells absolutely DISGUSTING. Had an intense fight with her but ended up losing so i had two dumpling and a couple spoonfuls of fried rice. Ate 1 tangerine to wash the disgusting taste out of my mouth. I couldn't handle being home so I went out to meet a couple of my friends for the first time in a long time. My friend offered me some pastry with chocolate souffle topping and another one cream cheese souffle topping. I just had half of the chocolate one. I felt like puking after but I couldn't because we were at her house. But, the good news is: I didn't eat anything after 4:30 PM. Just water. Insomnia attack last night. Forced myself to sleep with some trance music playing.

Well, it's almost 9 AM right now and not feeling hungry. Just had a cup of water. I have to go out in an hour or two to see my boyfriend but not so excited about it. I hope he doesn't force me to eat. He's been noticing some weight changes lately. He thinks i don't eat at all. He's CRAZY, i can honestly eat more than him anyday... I just choose not to. Anyways, I will update later tonight! I hope today goes swell!

*update*
today = epic failure
parents made me go out and eat with them. gorged on 6 slices of french bread with butter, a slice of pizza, 1 southwestern egg roll, a cup of tortilla soup, some spaghetti with chicken. fuck my life. don't feel like writing. well, before i turned into a fat balloon, my dad bought me a black coat so i was pretty happy. but that happiness is gone ... i think i'm gonna eat under 420 calories tomorrow. Hope i can do this. THINK THIN ! Oh! almost forgot.. seeing that i now have 3 followers was a great encouragement. It may not seem much but to me it means a whole lot. I won't let Ana or any of you down, i promise. I'll have more successes than failures

Love,Ana

Hello to Bloody Cramps

No wonder I've been losing control with my eating habits lately.. i started my period today and it sucks. It's been two months or longer since my last time so I'm not used to cramps. I woke up bloated as fuck. YUCK. so i planned on having a cup of hot chocolate for breakfast instead of the usual big meal, but my mom wouldn't let me leave the house until i ate two toaster strudels (380 cal) I had to just sit in my car for awhile cause i felt too nauseous. Thanks mom... seriously. Anyways, for lunch I had 15-20 pieces of french fries to make it look like I was eating. My boyfriend's been giving me a lot of shit for not eating with him so whenever he wants food... I'm his eating partner. Oh wonderful... Dropped by home before going to the hospital and ate a shitload of dried fruits and nuts. I honestly don't know why I just sat down and munched away watching tv. I don't even know how much of it i ate cause i ate out of the big bag. I was late to my appointment cause of my fatass. I'm sorry I'm so bitter these days but I really can't help it. I'm depressed 90% of the time and 110% of the time, I'm agonizing about my weight. It's also even harder cause I don't get much support from anyone around me... this blog is all i have. The only place where everything inside me is written down for someone to read and know about. Oh, and I even felt shittier when I was buying a pack of cigarettes, I saw this girl who had bones sticking out everywhere. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating just a little but she was super super thin. The world isn't fair. Well, for dinner I had two chicken wings (barf) with a diet soda. Cramps + food = bad bad night. I'm trying to stay away from laxatives so I'm suffering right now. haha, i just can't wait for today to be over. Tomorrow is supposed to rain and I'm kinda excited. Only hot coffee, tea, cocoa, soup, whatever that's low-cal and liquidy all day tomorrow. I'll be posting up measures and weights soon. This is considered a punishment for me.

Love, Ana

P.S. Totally not looking forward to the holidays. This just means more food and more fat.

Hello to a Bad Day

Right when I feel like I got myself back, I fail. Why does this always happen? Seriously.. ;alkdjf;laksdjf my stomach is in pain, I don't think it's taking in the food very well. Today was just super stressful and i couldn't stop debating whether I should accept the food people offered. I felt like the world was out to get me. Why does everyone try to make me FAT?! it's so frustrating when my day is going great and someone pops out of nowhere with food and keeps encouraging me to eat. I did well avoiding food until past 6 pm. That's when I just crashed and ate. Pasta salad, chips, mcdonalds (YUUUUUUUUUUUCK), sushi rolls. I'm dyyyyying right now. It feels like war in my tummy. fuck. I need a smoke but it's way too cold to go outside. Coffee is making it worse.. making me feel more full. The amount of work i have to do is adding onto my frustration. Today's not my day. All the hard work... GONE. I probably gained the weight i lost back. I didn't weigh myself yet cause I'm honestly scared to see the numbers. Tonight's gonna be a long night. Got a shitload of artwork and sketches to do. This just means that I'll be tired and cranky tomorrow, which means that i'm probably gonna eat more. I need to be extra careful tomorrow. I'm gonna be thin and beautiful no matter what. I need to see those bones that once were visible. It seems like it's been too long since i've seen that. I need to and want to be thin more than anything else. I'll reach my goal of a two-digit weight soon. Don't know how or when but I'm gonna make it happen. I just hope I don't lose my willpower til then...

Love,Ana

Hello to Rain and Cold

Today was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold! whats up with all the rain .. but i like it :) mmmm, well today was absolutely cold, rainy, and great. i kinda like this gloomy atmosphere, it totally reflects me inside. hahaha i don't mean to sound depressed or emo or anything but it's the truth. I haven't been feeling energetic these days but it's probably cause of the weight. I'm slowly dropping so that's good news :) Breakfast as usual was a big man's meal: a bowl of fried rice with ketchup. yumm-o. people think im nasty for loving ketchup but i can't help it. it sucks that i have to eat such a fatty breakfast.. my mom will go nuts on me if i don't so i force it down. Felt like throwing up after though but washed that down with a cigarette. For lunch, I had a granola bar with coffee (180 cal). Filled me up til 7 PM, then ate an apple with greentea :) im a coffee and tea addict so i got myself another cup of tea hahaha. THEN, i spoiled myself with another granola bar (170cal). I kinda let myself go a little bit.. felt super guilty .. so i popped a lax. I think it'll be kicking in soon. I know i shouldn't do that but it'll help me jumpstart my restriction. I know i'm taking it reeeally slow but that's the only way i won't binge again. I'm just barely hanging on but i'll make it. I promise.

Love,Ana

Hello to Some Fun

Wake up. Shower. Big big breakfast with mother. A cigarette break. Friends. Hooka. Cigarette. Starbucks. Cigarette. cholate chocolate chocolate. Candie bracelets. Cigarettessss. Pictures. Cigarettesss. Watch a play. Homeeeee!
That was pretty much my day. hahahah i feel like today was a good one :) except for the fact that my breakfast was a little too much, the rest of the day went pretty damn smooth. oh, and besides the chocolate. My friends and i had nothing to do but munch on chocolate and smoke and rot. So boring. But at least it kept me away from all the other nasty food :) We made candie bracelets for fun.. actually mainly cause we're planning to go to Tao (an upcoming rave). I should upload some pictures of them, its quite preetty. hahaha right now its 12 midnight and i'm munching on a granola bar with diet pepsi.. not a great idea but it'll help me from binging on that muffin i keep thinking of hahaha. Well, I think I should go wash up and force myself to bed early tonight. I'll put up some thinspo pictures tomorrow! Stay strong everyone<3

Love,Ana

Hello to Obesity

I was so happy this morning. Even though I've been eating like a beast, I somehow managed to drop a few pounds. BUT, that's sadly gone now. I got too excited and ate my heart out. Well, actually I wasn't feeling that hungry today but my friends are always eating and I felt like i had to force myself to eat to not get caught. I calculated my calorie intake.. let's say it exceeds the amount a male should have in a day. a MALE. and i couldn't even purge cause that's too risky! i feel the mia in me coming out slowly .... so... wanna deep fry me and put me on that platter that i belong on? Thanks, i would appreciate it.

Hello to Fresh Start

Yesterday was THE worst day. Stress = food = fat = death. Yup, that's the equation to sum it up. Today was .. not good but not as bad so that's good news, ha. I'm taking it slow cause all this stress is getting to me and I know I shouldn't restrict myself TOO much; that'll just make me go obese. I decided to delay ABC til after the holidays. I know christmas and new years is not a good time to be starving. All the yummy alcohol .. food .. fuck my life. Oh, and my parents are on my ass about my meals. They're after me, seriously. I'm not a fucking baby, I don't need them to feed me like every damn hour. I need to move out ASAP. Tomorrow is the day I start getting back on my feet. It's hard to get back up when you fall down a couple times, but I want this more than anything. I want to feel beautiful, feather-light, THIN. So, here I come

Love,Ana

Hello to Day 2

Fuck it. I suck. Let's face it, I'm never gonna be that thin girl in short shorts with sexyass leather boots, walking down the street with no shame. I'm so full .. i feel nauseous. I ate more than my boyfriend today. Please just deep fry me and put me on a platter cause I'm a plump pig, I have a lot of meat. Byebye blog.. for tonight cause I'm not in the mood to write. Hoping for better days.

Hello to Day 1

Day 1 of ABC. Didn't go as well as I planned. It's so hard to stay on a strict diet when you have a boyfriend that keeps telling you to eat. My day was going absolutely great until he ordered dinner for me. Now I'm just a depressed, fatass bitch. Honestly, I need to get in control again. I keep letting myself go.. telling myself that tomorrow's a new day. But in reality, that's not true. Tomorrow is going to be different, depending on how I make my Today. I feel like i lost another battle. I don't even want to hop on the treadmill anymore. I might just let myself go.. actually no, I'm not going to let that happen. I'm still going to continue with ABC.. I just don't know how successful I'm going to be but it's worth the try. I didn't weigh myself yet cause I got too scared. I felt that if i saw the numbers, I'd freak even more. So, tonight I'm just going to try and relax, maybe catch up on some reading.. have a smoke or two and force myself to bed. It'll be okay...

Hello to FAIL

Today was a failure. I planned on starting ABC today, but I faaaaaaaailed. real bad. I woke up and weighed myself. The scale told me 104.5 and I was actually quite happy, regarding the fact that I basically had a thanksgiving dinner round 2 last night. I was still full from dinner and didn't have much appetite so I just had a granola bar for breakfast. But, my mom forced me to eat with her at this mexican restaurant. That just ruined my day. I felt way too fat so i tried purging but I got paranoid that my mom would hear me so I gave up. I had too many carbs and calories in me that I didn't feel hungry throughout the day. Went to starbucks to keep myself busy. I got green tea, yummy :) this was basically the only good thing my body got today. The rest was just shit. But it's okay, I washed my guilt away with a couple cigarettes. I just weighed myself and I'm 106.5 ... gross. My mom's making dinner and I'm pretty sure she's gonna be calling me down to eat, but hell no. I'm not touching ANYTHING tonight. Tomorrow better be a success. I'm definitely gonna start my ABC tomorrow. I don't give a shit what anyone says. I'll just play off the I'm-stressed-out-and-sick-so-I-lost-my-appetite thing tomorrow :) Good luck to me!

Love, Ana

I'm back to announce that I actually ate two bites of cream-filled bread. I feel extra fat. I suck at life. Time for thinspiring pictures.
feels good to be on the treadmill once in awhile :)
it's been too long since i last bonded with my friend named exercise

Hello to My Story

I've never felt beautiful, not once, but ana helped me cope with that. I've been ana for about two years but it's been on and off. I was never really heavy until I hit high school. My weight always remained under 100 pounds, but once i started gaining weight, i ballooned up to 120. I'm only 5'2'' so being 120 made me look like a fckin whale, no kidding. Eventually, i got sick of being fat and ugly. I hated mirrors. I hated looking at myself. I just didn't like me. I've never felt so worthless. So, I found ana and dropped down to 90 pounds. My parents started noticing the rapid weight loss, so to avoid being forced into some bullshit psychiatrist/psychologist program I started putting on some weight.. little by little. But, being the fat pig i am, i lost control and went back to 120. I'm currently 105-107 and still struggling to get back to where i was. I know I can do it and so can anyone else. I hope I don't fall again. Comments are always welcome<3

Love, Ana

Hello to my new blog!

Hi :)
This blog is for Pro Ana/Mia's.
I know there are some of you who are against Ana's and Mia's,
but just to let you know, this blog is not intended to promote it.
I am not forcing ideas upon anyone.
This is a place where ana's and mia's can write for support
and advice. We all are on the same journey toward the same goal.
Please have respect for it.
And for every Ana and Mia...
I hope you stay strong!
All of us chose this type of lifestyle for a reason,
let's not forget that.

Love, Ana