Hello to Excuses Excuses

I binged. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm gross. I'm SHIT. It's strange how I seem to do way better when I take a break from blogging, than from when I blog everyday. But i HAVE to blog or I drown in all my thoughts.

I had to work at my art studio today so that kept me busy for quite awhile, but I started feeling sick. Headache, nausea, dizziness, i don't know... a massive mixture of torture. Probably because I haven't been eating a full meal, just a bunch of snacks and nibbles of food here and there. Honestly though, the pain felt kind of beautiful. Yeah I felt like shit, but I enjoyed it. I haven't felt sick from lack of food in so long. But, I only used this as an excuse to eat the dinner my dad brought over.

I did well restricting myself until dinner time. Like I have posted before, my parents have suspicion of my disorder and they're always taking me out or bringing me food. Today, my dad surprised me with a FAT burrito. Literally, it was the size of my damn head. How sweet is that... really. I didn't finish it but it was the most painful thing I've had to eat the past couple days. Every bite made me feel sick. I felt like I was injecting myself with lard and fat and calories. Talk about disgusting. But it's also very gross how I kept making myself feel better by telling myself that I had to eat in order to survive; that I could've passed out at my art studio; that I need at least a decent meal in me for today; that I can always start again tomorrow. No, I was just being stupid and short-minded. Excuses Excuses. It sucks how I can't ever hide from my dad. When he brings over food, he sits right in front of me and just stares until I finish, or if he's feeling generous, until he feels as if I've eaten a decent amount. I can't chew and spit, or cut up and hide food, or move it around, or feed it to my dog, or anything. I should find something to do at night, so that way my dad can't come to my house with a gazillion calories ready to kill me.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve! I don't know if I should be excited or terrified. I'm excited to watch fireworks with my boyfriend, but absolutely horrified about spending the whole damn day with him cause he eats ALOT and he eats OFTEN. Not an aspect Ana would accept. Yes, he once again force-fed me today. I took just two bites of his burger. Why the hell is he so in love with greasy fast food? That stuff looks repulsive to me. Anyways, I'm going to try hard to fast tomorrow. Or maybe I'll have something really small for breakfast or lunch. I don't know. I haven't weighed myself today. To be honest, I'm a bit scared of the numbers. I'll go on that scale tomorrow morning. Hope I don't die of shock haha.

Love,Ana