Hello to WTFF!

I'm so fucking stupid. I just had two slices of pizza after a bad bad bad fucking day. I didn't eat huge meals throughout the day, but I ate a lot of random bits of stuff and that adds up quickly. I don't know how many calories I consumed, but I'm sure it's way past my limit.. way past anyone's limit. Pretty damn depressing, regarding the fact that I've been doing a good job the past few days. I was under 100 pounds for awhile, but I blew it off. Just like that. In one day. It's gone. I was starting to feel confident about reaching my goal weight, but now I feel weak as ever. It's an ongoing cycle. I work hard to fall into two digits, and when I'm starting to feel too confident, I gain it all back.. sometimes more than before. Then I just want to give up. But the weird thing is, giving up seems harder than trying again. This is what ED does to you. It makes you weak. It makes you forget what made you happy before. It makes you confused. I don't know if I want to stop and be back to normal, or keep trying. All i know is that, I'm thinner than before but I'm still not happy. I see myself in the mirror and I don't see any change. Strange thing is: today, I met up with a friend that I haven't seen for awhile. We were both catching a cigarette, and she stares at me. I ask her what she's looking at and she replies, "Stop losing weight. Seriously, stop." Um, hold up. Stop bullshitting cause obviously you need to get your eyes checked. I feel my legs fucking jiggle when I walk. I have too much weight to lose for you to say that right now. Please, save it for when I reach my goal weight.. which is going to be never... Honestly, I don't know if I can go on anymore. My willpower seems to die more and more each day. I feel weak. Someone help.

Summer's coming and it's coming fast. I'm fucked.

I want to be able to drive in my bikini and actually feel hot.
To be skinny enough to tan anywhere I want.
To strike a pose and look sexy
To be light enough to fly away

Stay strong and work hard<3
Love,Ana

Hello to Drug-Free-ness

I'm happy to say that I've been drug free for a week now. Wow. Big big news. Well, for me it is. haha I know, I sound weak and pathetic but I'm trying and it's not so bad. Just kidding.. it's been HORRIBLE. I've been an emotional wreck this whole week. The past four days, I've been crying out of nowhere. Not just any kind of crying, but the kind of crying you do at a funeral... or after a crazyass binge. Honestly, I don't even know why I've been crying so much. I just hit rock bottom, kinda depressed, and felt worthless. Un-loved? I'm finally coming to realize that sex DOES have a big impact on relatioships. I thought I would never say this, but I'm convinced that the lack of sex I've been getting from my boyfriend is one of the factors why I've been so fucking depressed lately. I can't believe I'm admitting this on here but whatever hahaha, I think it's kinda funny, no? I feel too fat to be in bed with him now. It's ridiculous... When I feel thin and empty, I feel sexy and get frisky. But, now I don't feel any of that. I just feel like being a potato couch and watching tv with my bag of chips. Anywho, I'm much better now. I'm actually feeling normal again, or slowly starting to. I bought 2 dozens of donuts today. YES, 2 fucking dozens. But don't worry, they weren't for me. hahaha, I bought it for my studio and they enjoyed it, which made me happy :) Bad news is, I ended up eating two donuts. Fuck me. I realized I haven't been updating on my intake. It's kinda hard to cause I'm always eating bites and pieces of random stuff that my boyfriend gets. Let's just say today was an oooookay day. It would've gone great if I didn't drop by the gas station on the way home for a snicker bar. I just had to do it. I'm probably going to start my period or SOMETHING. Oh, I just realized I haven't had my period for 2.5 months ... wow. For some odd reason, I feel accomplished? I'm just a confused child right now. Well, I'm off to bed! I've been feeling lazy and tired these days. Been going to bed freakishly early hahahaha. Stay strong beautifuls! I'm always reading your blogs<3

Love,Ana

Hello to A Big Mess

Sorry sorry sorry for always abandoning my blog! For awhile, everything's been too crazy. I've been having a gangload of problems with my boyfriend, and my ex-boyfriends, alcohol, drugs, and blah blah. To be honest, it's been so crazy that I forgot what happened. Everything is just one big blur. I need to straighten up a bit. Clean the mess up with my past flings, quit E and alcohol, and actually go to school. I'm a big ball of disaster right now. I've basically lost all my friends. I see them around still, but I can't have a decent conversation with any one of them. I don't know how it ended up like this, but it did and I'm absolutely fucking depressed about it. It's sad to admit, but my depression made me weak enough to turn to dropping again. E seems to be the only way to relieve this heaviness. It's bad, I know.. that's why I quit awhile back. But, now I feel too weak to even try to hold it in. I've been poppin E whenever I felt like it, and I'm starting to feel the toll it's taking on my body. I guess part of the reason why I'm not bothering to stop is because at least I'm losing weight from it.

I'm not going to kill myself.. I WILL stop popping, but for now I'm just too weak. It sucks that my boyfriend's the only source of strength and support I have. I used to be so independent and free-spirited. Now, I'm so lonely and depressed, weak and lost. Why am I so emotional? Seriously, it's a bit ridiculous. Just give it some time and I'll be back to normal. I'm always in this happy-depressed cycle. Haha, I have some serious issues...Damn. On the positive note, I'm lighter than when I wrote my last post :) haha, well I'll be posting more often now! Stay strong lovelies<3>

Hello to Food Poisoning?

The title says it all. I'm heavily convinced that I gotfood poisoning from today's dinner. Quite sad. I'm THIS close to stabbing my stomach. I feel like throwing up, but nothing's coming. I'm sorry for abandoning my blog for so long... I didn't mean to go away for so long. I was planning on coming back after reaching my goal weight of 98 pounds but sadly to say, I couldn't reach it. My life's been full of drama while I was gone. Crazy, crazy stuff. I wish I could write it all here, but it would be a fucking novel.

I did well restricting last weekend. Really well, almost too good for me to believe. BUT, today was a fucking disaster. Fuck me. Seriously.

Love,Ana

Hello to Alcohol Binge

Went down to 101.5, but I went out to dinner with boyfriend and drinking afterwards with a few friends so now I don't know. Alcohol just makes me crave the whole world. I need to dump the alcohol and I'll be good. Easier said than done, right? haha, well I'm going to be helping out at church tomorrow and I know they'll feed me nonstop. Sigh... On the bright side, I'm surprised I actually lost a little bit of weight this week cause I've been eating and eating due to lack of sleep. I seriously need to hibernate for awhile. Too much work to do these days ): I'll be done with all my studio work soon so I'll be back on track ! Barely hanging on til then. I finally bought some supplements to help my digestive system. My body's so messed up. Anyways, wish me luck. Oh and I promise I'll post a legit thinspo a.s.a.p. I didn't forget about it!

Love,Ana

Hello to The Same Cycle

I managed to get down to 100 lbs but now I'm back up again. It's always like this. I go up and down, up and down. I'm kinda getting sick of this repeating cycle. When will it stop? Damn, I know I keep telling myself that I need to get it together, but I honestly can't find the strength to. My parents obviously know about my disorder now and they made it worse by telling my boyfriend. He's always force fed me, but now he's reeeeeally pushing it. I feel so trapped. I'm a fucking adult..let me live my life, SHIT. I couldn't post for awhile cause I wasn't home until today. Boyfriend decided that it would be "cute" to MAKE me stay at his place until he felt that he fed me enough. It was hell, I swear. Now I'm this fat, bloated ugly piece of fatfuck. Feels good to be back home, smoking, relaxing, writing in my blog. I'm SERIOUSLY going to try and start restricting this week. I know I say this a lot but I mean it this time. If I don't succeed, I'm really going to just kill myself. Wish me luck<3 Stay strong all of you! You guys are all great :)

Love,Ana

Hello to Impossible?

Am I ever going to reach my goal weight? I can't seem to get under 103 lbs. I'm stuck at this weight, and even if I do lose weight, I gain it back in a day or two. Only if my boyfriend would stop feeding me, it would be so much easier. I do well until he drags me to dinner. And he would invite his mom cause he knows I can't say no if his mom goes.. boys just make life so much easier, don't they? HA. I've been staying up all night this whole week at my studio. I have a tight deadline for my next project so I gotta get going, but I promise to update more often about my daily intake and stuff after hell week is over! Stay strong everyone<3

P.S. I need to post a legit thinspo soon. Be expecting it!

Love,Ana