Hello to Sunshine!

Goooodmorning blog :) The past few days have been raining nonstop but today the sun is out! I don't know why, but I am in a really good mood today; probably because i lost some weight. I've been depressed everyday last week, didn't talk much to anyone, bitched at my boyfriend, avoided my parents. But I feel like today will go great. Something's wrong with me, honestly. My mood changes like every fckin minute. Ehh,, whatever.

Yesterday was a good day. I woke up feeling super sick. Mad headache, sore throat, body aches but for some reason all that pain felt good to me cause I knew I would have no appetite then. I go downstairs to make myself some coffee but my mom comes in with fried rice, dumplings, and other chinese food. Oh great.. the smell makes me feel nauseous so I walk upstairs but my mom stops me and demands that I eat with her. Who the hell is she to force me to eat something that smells absolutely DISGUSTING. Had an intense fight with her but ended up losing so i had two dumpling and a couple spoonfuls of fried rice. Ate 1 tangerine to wash the disgusting taste out of my mouth. I couldn't handle being home so I went out to meet a couple of my friends for the first time in a long time. My friend offered me some pastry with chocolate souffle topping and another one cream cheese souffle topping. I just had half of the chocolate one. I felt like puking after but I couldn't because we were at her house. But, the good news is: I didn't eat anything after 4:30 PM. Just water. Insomnia attack last night. Forced myself to sleep with some trance music playing.

Well, it's almost 9 AM right now and not feeling hungry. Just had a cup of water. I have to go out in an hour or two to see my boyfriend but not so excited about it. I hope he doesn't force me to eat. He's been noticing some weight changes lately. He thinks i don't eat at all. He's CRAZY, i can honestly eat more than him anyday... I just choose not to. Anyways, I will update later tonight! I hope today goes swell!

*update*
today = epic failure
parents made me go out and eat with them. gorged on 6 slices of french bread with butter, a slice of pizza, 1 southwestern egg roll, a cup of tortilla soup, some spaghetti with chicken. fuck my life. don't feel like writing. well, before i turned into a fat balloon, my dad bought me a black coat so i was pretty happy. but that happiness is gone ... i think i'm gonna eat under 420 calories tomorrow. Hope i can do this. THINK THIN ! Oh! almost forgot.. seeing that i now have 3 followers was a great encouragement. It may not seem much but to me it means a whole lot. I won't let Ana or any of you down, i promise. I'll have more successes than failures

Love,Ana

Hello to Bloody Cramps

No wonder I've been losing control with my eating habits lately.. i started my period today and it sucks. It's been two months or longer since my last time so I'm not used to cramps. I woke up bloated as fuck. YUCK. so i planned on having a cup of hot chocolate for breakfast instead of the usual big meal, but my mom wouldn't let me leave the house until i ate two toaster strudels (380 cal) I had to just sit in my car for awhile cause i felt too nauseous. Thanks mom... seriously. Anyways, for lunch I had 15-20 pieces of french fries to make it look like I was eating. My boyfriend's been giving me a lot of shit for not eating with him so whenever he wants food... I'm his eating partner. Oh wonderful... Dropped by home before going to the hospital and ate a shitload of dried fruits and nuts. I honestly don't know why I just sat down and munched away watching tv. I don't even know how much of it i ate cause i ate out of the big bag. I was late to my appointment cause of my fatass. I'm sorry I'm so bitter these days but I really can't help it. I'm depressed 90% of the time and 110% of the time, I'm agonizing about my weight. It's also even harder cause I don't get much support from anyone around me... this blog is all i have. The only place where everything inside me is written down for someone to read and know about. Oh, and I even felt shittier when I was buying a pack of cigarettes, I saw this girl who had bones sticking out everywhere. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating just a little but she was super super thin. The world isn't fair. Well, for dinner I had two chicken wings (barf) with a diet soda. Cramps + food = bad bad night. I'm trying to stay away from laxatives so I'm suffering right now. haha, i just can't wait for today to be over. Tomorrow is supposed to rain and I'm kinda excited. Only hot coffee, tea, cocoa, soup, whatever that's low-cal and liquidy all day tomorrow. I'll be posting up measures and weights soon. This is considered a punishment for me.

Love, Ana

P.S. Totally not looking forward to the holidays. This just means more food and more fat.

Hello to a Bad Day

Right when I feel like I got myself back, I fail. Why does this always happen? Seriously.. ;alkdjf;laksdjf my stomach is in pain, I don't think it's taking in the food very well. Today was just super stressful and i couldn't stop debating whether I should accept the food people offered. I felt like the world was out to get me. Why does everyone try to make me FAT?! it's so frustrating when my day is going great and someone pops out of nowhere with food and keeps encouraging me to eat. I did well avoiding food until past 6 pm. That's when I just crashed and ate. Pasta salad, chips, mcdonalds (YUUUUUUUUUUUCK), sushi rolls. I'm dyyyyying right now. It feels like war in my tummy. fuck. I need a smoke but it's way too cold to go outside. Coffee is making it worse.. making me feel more full. The amount of work i have to do is adding onto my frustration. Today's not my day. All the hard work... GONE. I probably gained the weight i lost back. I didn't weigh myself yet cause I'm honestly scared to see the numbers. Tonight's gonna be a long night. Got a shitload of artwork and sketches to do. This just means that I'll be tired and cranky tomorrow, which means that i'm probably gonna eat more. I need to be extra careful tomorrow. I'm gonna be thin and beautiful no matter what. I need to see those bones that once were visible. It seems like it's been too long since i've seen that. I need to and want to be thin more than anything else. I'll reach my goal of a two-digit weight soon. Don't know how or when but I'm gonna make it happen. I just hope I don't lose my willpower til then...

Love,Ana

Hello to Rain and Cold

Today was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold! whats up with all the rain .. but i like it :) mmmm, well today was absolutely cold, rainy, and great. i kinda like this gloomy atmosphere, it totally reflects me inside. hahaha i don't mean to sound depressed or emo or anything but it's the truth. I haven't been feeling energetic these days but it's probably cause of the weight. I'm slowly dropping so that's good news :) Breakfast as usual was a big man's meal: a bowl of fried rice with ketchup. yumm-o. people think im nasty for loving ketchup but i can't help it. it sucks that i have to eat such a fatty breakfast.. my mom will go nuts on me if i don't so i force it down. Felt like throwing up after though but washed that down with a cigarette. For lunch, I had a granola bar with coffee (180 cal). Filled me up til 7 PM, then ate an apple with greentea :) im a coffee and tea addict so i got myself another cup of tea hahaha. THEN, i spoiled myself with another granola bar (170cal). I kinda let myself go a little bit.. felt super guilty .. so i popped a lax. I think it'll be kicking in soon. I know i shouldn't do that but it'll help me jumpstart my restriction. I know i'm taking it reeeally slow but that's the only way i won't binge again. I'm just barely hanging on but i'll make it. I promise.

Love,Ana

Hello to Some Fun

Wake up. Shower. Big big breakfast with mother. A cigarette break. Friends. Hooka. Cigarette. Starbucks. Cigarette. cholate chocolate chocolate. Candie bracelets. Cigarettessss. Pictures. Cigarettesss. Watch a play. Homeeeee!
That was pretty much my day. hahahah i feel like today was a good one :) except for the fact that my breakfast was a little too much, the rest of the day went pretty damn smooth. oh, and besides the chocolate. My friends and i had nothing to do but munch on chocolate and smoke and rot. So boring. But at least it kept me away from all the other nasty food :) We made candie bracelets for fun.. actually mainly cause we're planning to go to Tao (an upcoming rave). I should upload some pictures of them, its quite preetty. hahaha right now its 12 midnight and i'm munching on a granola bar with diet pepsi.. not a great idea but it'll help me from binging on that muffin i keep thinking of hahaha. Well, I think I should go wash up and force myself to bed early tonight. I'll put up some thinspo pictures tomorrow! Stay strong everyone<3

Love,Ana

Hello to Obesity

I was so happy this morning. Even though I've been eating like a beast, I somehow managed to drop a few pounds. BUT, that's sadly gone now. I got too excited and ate my heart out. Well, actually I wasn't feeling that hungry today but my friends are always eating and I felt like i had to force myself to eat to not get caught. I calculated my calorie intake.. let's say it exceeds the amount a male should have in a day. a MALE. and i couldn't even purge cause that's too risky! i feel the mia in me coming out slowly .... so... wanna deep fry me and put me on that platter that i belong on? Thanks, i would appreciate it.

Hello to Fresh Start

Yesterday was THE worst day. Stress = food = fat = death. Yup, that's the equation to sum it up. Today was .. not good but not as bad so that's good news, ha. I'm taking it slow cause all this stress is getting to me and I know I shouldn't restrict myself TOO much; that'll just make me go obese. I decided to delay ABC til after the holidays. I know christmas and new years is not a good time to be starving. All the yummy alcohol .. food .. fuck my life. Oh, and my parents are on my ass about my meals. They're after me, seriously. I'm not a fucking baby, I don't need them to feed me like every damn hour. I need to move out ASAP. Tomorrow is the day I start getting back on my feet. It's hard to get back up when you fall down a couple times, but I want this more than anything. I want to feel beautiful, feather-light, THIN. So, here I come

Love,Ana