Hello to Yay! then Nay...

The title pretty much says it all.. Okay so after my last post I went down to 97.5 which is the lowest I've been since foreveeeerrrr. I literally danced around my house in my fucking underwear, even though I still felt myself flabby everywhere. Well, yesterday I ruined everything.. my boyfriend sneaked into my phone AGAIN and red my last post. Yay.. So I've been stuck with him the whole day yesterday and probably will be today too. That only means that he'll be controlling when I eat and what I eat. I know he only does this cause he's worried, but it really irritates me. Its not like I'm going to kill myself .. I'm a full grown adult that needs some space. So after today I'm planning on spending more tim with my friends, family, and my dog. I've been too caught up in this relationship that I forgot how to live my own life. I'm hoping this will also help be stay on track with ana. I've been doing so great, but totally ruined it in one day. I weighed myself this morning and I was 100 lbs. its not bad, but very disappointing after seeing 97.5 just a few days ago...

Ill try and update again. I'm on my phone right now and gotta get back to work. Stay strong, lovelies!

Love,Ana

P.S. Thanks to everyone who's always encouraging me! I love you all! *muah*

Hello to A Pleasant Surprise!

Goodmorning blog! I woke up this morning and weighed myself. Guess what, I weighed in at 98.5! I just HAD to post! I'm writing this on my phone right now so this might be short but ill try and update again later today :) To be honest, I don't know how I broke my plateau of 100 lbs. I've been eating a bit too much over my usual limit because of my boyfriend.. Andddd I haven't even been exercising. I'm so confused! But so happy :) I hope I don't ruin this today by bingeing cause I always do that when I get too excited/confident. Like yesterday, I felt lke shit the whole day cause my boyfriend dragged me to is favorite fast food restaraunt and ordered me a burger with fries. I jus had fries, took three bites of the burger and faked a stomchache. This usually doesn't convine my boyfriend to stop bugging me to eat but he gave in yesterday. Good thing he did cause now I'm finally in the two digits! I hope I dont gain anymore from here, jus lower and lower :) wish me luck!

Love,Ana

Hello to MooOoOooOod Swings

The weekend was again a blur. I went to the beach with my boyfriend and dropped there, so it was veryyyyyy relaxing. Very nice to get away for once, and just stare at the water while rolling harrrd. It was honestly a perfect day. But the day after was hell. I was obviously cracked out, and my boyfriend was PMSing. I refused to eat cause i had no appetite and I ended up just leaving his house. After 34 missed calls, I finally picked up and he apologized so things are (supposed to be) good.

This morning I weighed myself and the scale read 98 lbs! BUT, I'm a fucking dumbass. Everytime I reach the 90's.. I get too confident and reward myself with a binge. So... yes, the first thing i did this morning was eat. I ate enough to last me for the whole day, but I kept eating. I had a really bad stomachache before meeting my parents for dinner, but I still ate. I kept telling myself that I had an excuse to eat because I haven't been with my parents for too long, but I'm just being weak and pathetic... I'm too scared to go on the scale right now. I'll save that for tomorrow morning. I got tempted to purge. I even locked myself in the bathroom for about half an hour debating.. crying.. but calmed myself down with a cigarette. Cigarette after cigarette... after cigarette..

I've been having crazy mood swings. I'm probably feeling depressed 80% of the time. The rest, I'm happy only when I'm not sober. On the brighter note, I was sitting on my boyfriend's lap today and he told me to get off so I asked him why, getting ready to punch him for indirectly calling me fat, and he said my butt bone was hurting him. Does that mean I don't have a fat ass? hahaha, no my butt's a bit too big. Gotta start exercising to lose this junk!


Stay strong, ana lovers!
Love,Ana

Hello to The Worst Nightmare

Have you ever been so full to the point where you can't stop hiccuping? Yeah, that's me right now. Why did i do this to myself? CAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH BOYFRIEND WHO WON'T FUCKING LET ME LIVE MY LIFE. mmhmm, I'm not even exaggerating right now. He always looks through my phone and I've known that, but yesterday he found my blog and e-mails on my phone (I have a blackberry so I sometimes post or email on it). He knew about my eating habits, and he thought I was done with it, but now he knows everything... PERFECT, just what I needed, right? ...

So basically, he's been threatening to tell my parents about it since my parents and he both are aware of how far I've gone with my eating problems in the past. I don't really see my parents as much so they don't know what's going on. If he does happen to tell my parents then I'm fucked. They're going to do anything to try and send me to some crazy rehab shit and I'm not fucking down for that. He told me that he wouldn't say a word if I agreed to eat whenever he does. That doesn't sound too bad, right? NO, WRONG. cause he eats like a fucking hippo. Yesterday, I had four meals with him. I came home last night and cried. Today I had four meals with him again. I had to finish my plate. I came home just now and am crying. I'm surprised I didn't purge. I'm trying really hard not to and doing pretty well. No matter how much I hate this food inside of me, I'm NOT going to purge. I'm not even going to use laxatives cause that shit doesn't work. I'm just going to have to keep all this crap inside. FUCK.

I feel fat. I feel like shit. I have so much fucking work to do. I'm probably going to be up all night. I'm going to be fucking bloated tomorrow. AND I'm fucking pissed off at the world. I'm just not a happy camper right now. The only thing I'm looking forward to is dropping tomorrow. I'm tempted to just pop a pill right now, but I can't... I have to finish my work... I've had 8 months to complete it and I'm doing it all tonight. I fucking fail, man. Whatever, at least I'm gonna be rolling tomorrow. FINALLY.

Anyways, since I promised you guys a nicole richie thinspo, here it is! It's not a good one cause I have to rush, but it's better than nothing , right ? :)

Stay strong, loves<3
Love,Ana

Hello to a Wild Weekend

Pretty much, this weekend consisted of bars, alcohol, dropping, cigarettes, and obviously food. Not too much food, but could've restricted more.. To be honest, the past few days are a blur. I'm not even sure what really went on. All I know is that I haven't been sober for too long. Well, I'm sober now and it feels weird. Totally out of it and depressed.. I feel like I'm fucking up my life, but I feel so weak.. too weak to even try and get out of this never-ending abyss. Whatever, for now I'm just going to let go and live it up. From now on I'm going to try and limit myself to vegetables, fruits, liquids, and just small bites of my boyfriend's food since he's always watching over my eating. Also, I plan on drinking only once a week, at most twice; and I'll maybe drop once a week. HA, this is why I'm always broke. Pathetic. But, at least it'll help me restrict. I cheat and I suck..

Love,Ana
for my next post, i'll have a nicole richie thinspo ready for you guys! :)

Hello to No $$

I'm officially broke. No money to spend on ANYTHING. This is horrible. I'm going to die. How am I going to buy my cigarettes?! I need my cigarettes. They're like my BABIES, if I don't get them then I go insane and I'll probably end up killing my boyfriend or something. Speaking of boyfriend... I need to seriously stop having him dominate my life. Being around him all day everyday makes me FAT. He will seriously eat non-stop and that only causes me to eat. And no, I don't eat voluntarily... He force feeds me cause he knows I've had eating problems in the past (he thinks I've recovered). It's hard to avoid him though. He knows my schedule more than anyone. It's almost like we're fucking married. No, even worse... like he's my guardian angel.

I haven't been exercising for MONTHS. Yes yes, I know.. I'm very fucking lazy and gross, but I've been feeling so tired lately. Anyone like that too? Maybe I'm getting too old.. maybe I just need to quit smoking so much. Fuck that, it's too hard and it'll only make me gain weight. The last time I tried to quit, I gained 8 fucking pounds. Hell no, I'm not going to set myself up to become fatter than I am right now. I'm sorry for my language, but I'm just feeling a bit bitter right now. Don't ask me why cause I don't know. I'm just frustrated with myself. I'm so damn pathetic. I know what I need to do to be beautiful and thin, but I can't get my ass working to accomplish it. It's stupid. I feel sorry for myself. I think I'm going to start stretching and exercising little by little. I miss feeling energetic and alive. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I stop eating like a fatass, I stop allowing my boyfriend to control what I eat, and I start getting my lazyass up to exercise. I can do it... I hope.

Don't forget..
Love,Ana

Hello to WTFF!

I'm so fucking stupid. I just had two slices of pizza after a bad bad bad fucking day. I didn't eat huge meals throughout the day, but I ate a lot of random bits of stuff and that adds up quickly. I don't know how many calories I consumed, but I'm sure it's way past my limit.. way past anyone's limit. Pretty damn depressing, regarding the fact that I've been doing a good job the past few days. I was under 100 pounds for awhile, but I blew it off. Just like that. In one day. It's gone. I was starting to feel confident about reaching my goal weight, but now I feel weak as ever. It's an ongoing cycle. I work hard to fall into two digits, and when I'm starting to feel too confident, I gain it all back.. sometimes more than before. Then I just want to give up. But the weird thing is, giving up seems harder than trying again. This is what ED does to you. It makes you weak. It makes you forget what made you happy before. It makes you confused. I don't know if I want to stop and be back to normal, or keep trying. All i know is that, I'm thinner than before but I'm still not happy. I see myself in the mirror and I don't see any change. Strange thing is: today, I met up with a friend that I haven't seen for awhile. We were both catching a cigarette, and she stares at me. I ask her what she's looking at and she replies, "Stop losing weight. Seriously, stop." Um, hold up. Stop bullshitting cause obviously you need to get your eyes checked. I feel my legs fucking jiggle when I walk. I have too much weight to lose for you to say that right now. Please, save it for when I reach my goal weight.. which is going to be never... Honestly, I don't know if I can go on anymore. My willpower seems to die more and more each day. I feel weak. Someone help.

Summer's coming and it's coming fast. I'm fucked.

I want to be able to drive in my bikini and actually feel hot.
To be skinny enough to tan anywhere I want.
To strike a pose and look sexy
To be light enough to fly away

Stay strong and work hard<3
Love,Ana

Hello to Drug-Free-ness

I'm happy to say that I've been drug free for a week now. Wow. Big big news. Well, for me it is. haha I know, I sound weak and pathetic but I'm trying and it's not so bad. Just kidding.. it's been HORRIBLE. I've been an emotional wreck this whole week. The past four days, I've been crying out of nowhere. Not just any kind of crying, but the kind of crying you do at a funeral... or after a crazyass binge. Honestly, I don't even know why I've been crying so much. I just hit rock bottom, kinda depressed, and felt worthless. Un-loved? I'm finally coming to realize that sex DOES have a big impact on relatioships. I thought I would never say this, but I'm convinced that the lack of sex I've been getting from my boyfriend is one of the factors why I've been so fucking depressed lately. I can't believe I'm admitting this on here but whatever hahaha, I think it's kinda funny, no? I feel too fat to be in bed with him now. It's ridiculous... When I feel thin and empty, I feel sexy and get frisky. But, now I don't feel any of that. I just feel like being a potato couch and watching tv with my bag of chips. Anywho, I'm much better now. I'm actually feeling normal again, or slowly starting to. I bought 2 dozens of donuts today. YES, 2 fucking dozens. But don't worry, they weren't for me. hahaha, I bought it for my studio and they enjoyed it, which made me happy :) Bad news is, I ended up eating two donuts. Fuck me. I realized I haven't been updating on my intake. It's kinda hard to cause I'm always eating bites and pieces of random stuff that my boyfriend gets. Let's just say today was an oooookay day. It would've gone great if I didn't drop by the gas station on the way home for a snicker bar. I just had to do it. I'm probably going to start my period or SOMETHING. Oh, I just realized I haven't had my period for 2.5 months ... wow. For some odd reason, I feel accomplished? I'm just a confused child right now. Well, I'm off to bed! I've been feeling lazy and tired these days. Been going to bed freakishly early hahahaha. Stay strong beautifuls! I'm always reading your blogs<3

Love,Ana