Hello to Lax Healing

Got drunk up my ass last night. Came home and binged. Popped a lax. Woke up weighing at 98.5 lbs. For breakfast I consumed about 1000 calories, no doubt. Now i probably weigh...i don't even wanna know. Why do i do this? That binge last night was more than enough to last me through today with no food, but I stuffed 1000 nasty calories into me. Ew. Im planning on not eating anything else today. It's only 1:00pm so... it's going to be hard, i know it. I'm sure my friends are going to drag me to go drinking with them... AGAIN. I think I've been drinking for about 5 consecutive days. Whatever, I'll starve the rest of today and have a few drinks tonight. I hope I don't fuck this up.

So, losing weight isn't really working out right now. So aren't my guy problems. I'm so done with boys and serious relationships, but guy #1 seems to want something much more serious now. I was only looking for something light and fun. Now what? I still want to be able to go around and flirt with other people. I've been stuck in a committed relationship for so long that I've been missing out on so much fun. I don't wanna put myself in that kind of situation again. I recently met this one guy at the bar, and I think he's SUPER cute. He's super tall, he has a charming smile, and his facial structures are SHARP. his face looks like carved stone. Reminds me of edward cullen, kinda. HAHAHA lame. Anyways, I'm probably going to end up seeing him tonight again. We'll see how things go

StayStrong,
Love,Ana

Hello to Unworthy Me

Hi blog. I'll be honest with you. The reason why I've been constantly shunning this blog the past few weeks is because I feel like I'm not worthy enough to write here. I plan fasts and diets, but I always fail to complete them. It's really a shitty feeling when you tell yourself that you'll do something, but never cross the finish line. Yesterday I kept myself busy so I didn't really consume much. When my friends and i went out to drink, I held myself back and had only one beer. BUT, today was... a whole different story. My mom came over with food.. TOO much food. I told her I had a bad stomachache, but that excuse never gets to her. She watched me as I ate. I finished everything. I resisted purging. Now, my dad wants to take me out to dinner. This means that we're going to be having cake after a feast. (He always gets me cake for dessert after a heavy meal). Am i fucked or what? I'm DREADING dinner. I'm still full from earlier, how the fuck am i supposed to stuff more into me? Please help me. I need to start finding the Ana in me, but it's so hard. I'm too weak to do this alone. I hate to admit it, but drugs help me starve.

StayStrong<3

Love,Ana

Hello to MORE UPDATING with a side order of more drama

Hello blog! I just got my laptop back so I'll be posting a lot more frequently than usual :) I'm glad, cause that ought to help me stay on track. I've been slipping a lot lately. My weight won't stay stable, and it's really starting to piss me off! I need to start losing weight FAST cause summer it's already summer and I'm not ready for the beach.

Today was a good, relaxing day. Went shopping with a few friends and just spent some good quality time together. HOWEVER, there's always a downside to hanging out with friends.. food. I had to force myself to eat. I almost barfed while eating dinner. Food just wouldn't digest correctly. Anyways, yeah... so my day was relaxing and everything was going great until something bad bad bad bad bad bad happened. I don't feel like saying it here right now. I'm still freaking out about it. I've been smoking cigarettes after cigarettes to help myself calm down a bit but apparently it's not working cause I'm down to my last few. I pretty much almost killed one pack. Wow, I feel bad for my throat. It's gonna hurt like a bitch tomorrow morning. Whatever, shit happens but life goes on, right?

StayStrong<3
Love,Ana

P.S. I don't have any thinspirational pictures on my laptop yet so when I do get my pictures from the computer transferred over, I'll have a great thinspo ready for you!

Hello to "You Got Skinnier"

HELL YEAH. the title says it all. I met up with Guy #1 last night, and the first thing that comes out of his mouth is, "Did you lose weight or something, cause you look skinnier. (hugs me) Oh my fuck, I can almost crush you!" mmhmm, those were his exact words. After he blurted that, I couldn't help but pounce on him. Obviously, he was confused as to why I was so fucking happy, but he didn't mind. In fact, i'm pretty sure he enjoyed it all. That one compliment won him a wonderful playtime in bed (; HAHA anyways, i doubt anything will happen between guy #2 and me. He can't quit drugs and his substance abuse will only negatively affect me. I mean, i'm still struggling to stay away from drugs, if i decide to begin things with him, i'll only end up doing it again.. only this time, with him. Guy #2 is HOT, i'll admit. He has that tough, bad boy feel to him, and i usually find that attractive. He's actually a little too badass for me, which makes me feel in danger and in love. I like that. BUT, Guy #1 has all these traits that I know will never put me through another heartbreak. Actually, he's quite a flirt so I'm not sure about that, but at least I know he won't let me fall into druggie practices again. And, he's kinda cute. He's not too bad in bed either. Sad to say this, but my ex was wayyy better, but I don't really mind. Anywho, i think i'm getting a little too carried away with this boy talk. Time for update on my weightloss?

The past few days, i've been sick as a dog so my intakes been low. I weighed in this morning at 99 pounds and that was after i had breakfast. I'm hoping I'll be able to keep my intake low today as well. I'm feeling much better now, but I don't want that to ruin my success! So far, I've had two glasses of orange juice, two eggs, and a bag of chips (honestly don't know why i ate this). I've got a busy day ahead! Time to relax at a nearby cafe with my coffee and endless cigarettes! Hopefully, all this work load will help keep my mind off eating!

Stay Strong<3

Love,Ana

P.S. I've been doing great with staying drug-free! Congrats to me!

Hello to Depression

Intake:
Breakfast- fried rice
Snack- few bites of a sandwich
Lunch- few bites of a burrito & nachos w/ cheese
Dinner- Chicken over rice with veggies
YEAH, i know this is gross.

I binged last night & I'm depressed. I need some type of medication for this. I also need some adderall... I can't stay focused for over 30 seconds, literally. I have too many problems. And to top it all off, my weight is bouncing around everywhere! It won't stay put. I was 98.5 pounds two days ago, and now I'm 102.5 pounds. Is that even possible?! Why the hell can't I stop stuffing junk into my fatass tummy?! Everything's been pissing me off. So basically, the thing with guy #3 isn't going to work out cause I turned him down. Although i took some advice from the comments on my previous post and went to dinner with him, I just didn't feel any connection. I'll admit, he's a real gentleman, but nothing about him attracts me. Guy #2 and I get along better though. He's a sweet guy. Kinda timid, but sweet. Guy #1 is almost everything that I've ever wanted in a guy. It's almost as if we're official right now. I'm just going along with everything, hoping for things to just fall into place. For now, I'm just gonna sip my coffee with some cigarettes and write my paper.

Stay strong lovelies!
Love,Ana

Hello to Pop, Drop, and Roll

I'm back ! Yes, i know i've totally abandoned my blog for a few weeks, but i promise i'll try and not be so m.i.a. again. i've been so caught up with everything that i never found time to post something. Well, during the time i was gone, i gained weight. about 6 pounds or so? I know.. disgusting, right? But I lost about two or three pounds in the last two days, mainly due to dropping. In fact, I'm rolling right now as I type this. I'm such a mess... I need to quit, but i can't. i can't because i'm a weak, pathetic bitch who can't lose weight without drugs. Whatever, i think being thin is worth anything and everything. I'm probably going to be cracked out tomorrow so i plan on fasting.

I know this might not interest some of you, but I just have to write about it here. confessing everything here helps me cope with any situation. Okay, so basically i'm stuck between three guys. (i know, you probably think i'm a dirty whore or something..) anyways, everything seems to get more and more complicated. it hasn't been long since i broke up with my boyfriend and i ended up sleeping with this guy (let's call him boy#1). now, this other guy (boy#2) supposedly thinks i'm "hot" ..i don't know what the fuck is up with his eyes, but he's definitely trippen. he wants to grab a drink this weekend. ALSO, this other guy (boy#3) that used to like me a few years ago recently started talking to me again... after hearing that i broke up with my boyfriend. He wants to take me out to dinner, but i don't want to accept because i'm really starting to like boy#1... I must be fucking insane. The whole purpose of breaking up with my boyfriend was to be single and have fun, but what the hell am i doing to myself right now? I'm setting myself up for a big ball of disaster. Help?

StayStrong<3

Love,Ana