Hello to A Big Mess

Sorry sorry sorry for always abandoning my blog! For awhile, everything's been too crazy. I've been having a gangload of problems with my boyfriend, and my ex-boyfriends, alcohol, drugs, and blah blah. To be honest, it's been so crazy that I forgot what happened. Everything is just one big blur. I need to straighten up a bit. Clean the mess up with my past flings, quit E and alcohol, and actually go to school. I'm a big ball of disaster right now. I've basically lost all my friends. I see them around still, but I can't have a decent conversation with any one of them. I don't know how it ended up like this, but it did and I'm absolutely fucking depressed about it. It's sad to admit, but my depression made me weak enough to turn to dropping again. E seems to be the only way to relieve this heaviness. It's bad, I know.. that's why I quit awhile back. But, now I feel too weak to even try to hold it in. I've been poppin E whenever I felt like it, and I'm starting to feel the toll it's taking on my body. I guess part of the reason why I'm not bothering to stop is because at least I'm losing weight from it.

I'm not going to kill myself.. I WILL stop popping, but for now I'm just too weak. It sucks that my boyfriend's the only source of strength and support I have. I used to be so independent and free-spirited. Now, I'm so lonely and depressed, weak and lost. Why am I so emotional? Seriously, it's a bit ridiculous. Just give it some time and I'll be back to normal. I'm always in this happy-depressed cycle. Haha, I have some serious issues...Damn. On the positive note, I'm lighter than when I wrote my last post :) haha, well I'll be posting more often now! Stay strong lovelies<3>

Hello to Food Poisoning?

The title says it all. I'm heavily convinced that I gotfood poisoning from today's dinner. Quite sad. I'm THIS close to stabbing my stomach. I feel like throwing up, but nothing's coming. I'm sorry for abandoning my blog for so long... I didn't mean to go away for so long. I was planning on coming back after reaching my goal weight of 98 pounds but sadly to say, I couldn't reach it. My life's been full of drama while I was gone. Crazy, crazy stuff. I wish I could write it all here, but it would be a fucking novel.

I did well restricting last weekend. Really well, almost too good for me to believe. BUT, today was a fucking disaster. Fuck me. Seriously.

Love,Ana

Hello to Alcohol Binge

Went down to 101.5, but I went out to dinner with boyfriend and drinking afterwards with a few friends so now I don't know. Alcohol just makes me crave the whole world. I need to dump the alcohol and I'll be good. Easier said than done, right? haha, well I'm going to be helping out at church tomorrow and I know they'll feed me nonstop. Sigh... On the bright side, I'm surprised I actually lost a little bit of weight this week cause I've been eating and eating due to lack of sleep. I seriously need to hibernate for awhile. Too much work to do these days ): I'll be done with all my studio work soon so I'll be back on track ! Barely hanging on til then. I finally bought some supplements to help my digestive system. My body's so messed up. Anyways, wish me luck. Oh and I promise I'll post a legit thinspo a.s.a.p. I didn't forget about it!

Love,Ana

Hello to The Same Cycle

I managed to get down to 100 lbs but now I'm back up again. It's always like this. I go up and down, up and down. I'm kinda getting sick of this repeating cycle. When will it stop? Damn, I know I keep telling myself that I need to get it together, but I honestly can't find the strength to. My parents obviously know about my disorder now and they made it worse by telling my boyfriend. He's always force fed me, but now he's reeeeeally pushing it. I feel so trapped. I'm a fucking adult..let me live my life, SHIT. I couldn't post for awhile cause I wasn't home until today. Boyfriend decided that it would be "cute" to MAKE me stay at his place until he felt that he fed me enough. It was hell, I swear. Now I'm this fat, bloated ugly piece of fatfuck. Feels good to be back home, smoking, relaxing, writing in my blog. I'm SERIOUSLY going to try and start restricting this week. I know I say this a lot but I mean it this time. If I don't succeed, I'm really going to just kill myself. Wish me luck<3 Stay strong all of you! You guys are all great :)

Love,Ana